That’s like walking into a diner and asking your waiter for “sandwich.”Ĩ. Aria Montgomery, everybody! Does she really think that this four-day stretch they have to get Hanna home alive is the best time to initiate a define-the-relationship talk with her once –statuatory rapist? Also, you can’t just order “beer” at a bar. Great leather jacket, mediocre life choices, terrible timing. She still has some slow-burning thing happening with the blonde at the Brew, so, that’s another peripheral character whose name I guess we’ll have to commit to memory at some point. This is the least legit confession since Brendan Dassey’s. Emily takes this fragment of non-information from an obviously medicated, not-even-really-awake Ali and determines that she confessed to killing Charlotte. I’m sorry to snark so much so soon, but I nearly died when Emily whisper-gasped, “Did you kill Charlotte?” and, as Ali’s eyes popped open, that comically loud whoosh sound effect came in and Ali started babbling for God’s forgiveness. Wait, is Toby an ex –police officer or a current police officer? Did he get fired or fake-fired or placed on leave? Is the leave over now that we’re five years in the future? Am I conflating his plot with Michael’s from Jane the Virgin? Either way, A+ lock-picking skills. Anyway, the guy seems to have a plan, which is more than I can say for the rest of these dopey Millennials. I get that television is a visual medium and you need to show some weapons in your murder show, but I literally laughed out loud when I saw that knife straight out of The Knick just hanging out, loose, in Elliot’s briefcase. She gives us such gems as “Jessica turned everyone against me … she poisoned them all against me” and “I was born first and she was born jealous.” Oh, and Mary only came back to town because she found out Jessica was dead. But the fact that all the Liars are convinced she is “A.D.” is pretty much all the proof you need that Mary is just another dark weirdo roaming Rosewood’s streets. Mary Drake, a.k.a Brunette Jessica DiLaurentis, sure is up to something. I can’t believe Caleb texted her to not let Mary in. That said, I’ll give her points for her solid answer to the question about whether she and Melissa are close - “occasionally” - and for pumping Mary Drake for information in a manner that, if not subtle, is at least plausible considering the circumstances. Well, in case you were wondering how that relationship with Caleb was going and you somehow missed the neon flashing sign above Caleb’s head that read STILL IN LOVE WITH HANNA, that telling detail about how Spencer’s been spending her downtime ought to make things quite clear. “And then your little emoji boards the plane and flies to the country.” Oof. (Her reply to that tactic: “And then what, waterboard her?”) Caleb keeps having the most patently dumb ideas, as if he shopped for strategy at a Trump rally - “There are two of us, we could take her!” - and Mona’s cool disdain for these non-suggestions only endears me to her more. She knows exactly what you need to cover up a murder - “Charcoal absorbs the smell of death” - and she can use her headset thingy to hear other people’s cell-phone conversations, and also her hair looks great. The only thing wrong with Mona is that she keeps slumming it with this off-brand Scooby Gang instead of splitting for the more glamorous, devious life she deserves. And yet in Rosewood, as always, time remained suspended, and we were left to wonder: What happened to Hanna? Why do we care about who killed Charlotte? What’s a Mary Drake? If Elliot’s real identity was a secret, why did he bother having a fake American accent? Why does A have a second initial now? Are we too old for this show? As is the grand tradition in these esteemed, trademark-pending Pretty Little Power Rankings, I will not be able to answer any of those plot-related inquiries with certainty! So much has changed in our real world since we last ran around with our Liars. Welcome back! I know it’s been a long, hard three-month stretch. Photo: Eric McCandless/Disney Enterprises, Inc. Shay Mitchell as Emily, Sasha Pieterse as Alison.
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